Saying it Doesn't Make it So

First with a journal then with this blog I thought I had found some sort of panacea. Clarity comes from writing things down. By articulating my methods, motivations and fears I would find a more direct route to success ... I could finally stop repeating my mistakes. Now the realization has hit me that just because I have written something doesn't mean I've internalized the lesson.

I was starting a private painting session recently. There I stood at the easel brush in hand afraid to make the first mark. I had just posted an entry about not being afraid to fail. My model had to give me the pep talk. "What are you afraid of? There's nothing at risk here."

Nude, oil on canvas, 6" X 6", 2013

Every time you face a blank canvas it is in some fundamental way your first time. You can bring a lifetime of knowledge and skill to the moment but the canvas doesn't care. This time is not like any other. You have to figure it out anew in real time. This revaluation is either depressing or exhilarating. I'm not sure which.